I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
