I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
