i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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