i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
