I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
