the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
