We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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