I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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