You're so nebulous sometimes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
