My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
