I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
