I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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