Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
