Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
