I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
