I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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