whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
