Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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