you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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