; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
