our cab driver is having phone sex.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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