i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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