This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
