the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
