I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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