I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
