i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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