i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you had me at cake vodka
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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