I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
