Dude my mom stole all your condoms
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
