The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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