Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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