If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
