i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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