Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
