i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
