my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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