The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have tasted many bathrooms
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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