if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
