you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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