Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
