I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
