well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
