Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
