two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
