I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need a beard to bite.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
