Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
