You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
