he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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