And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
